We arrived at the hospital at about 6:30pm to a waiting room full of people. Over the next few hours I would be amazed with the amount of people that came to the hospital to wait with us. Family, friends, coworkers, coaches, and soccer teammates flooded the seventh floor. They had to open up a room just to accommodate all of the people that came.
After awhile the doctor finally came to see Katie and I. He asked us some questions, and went over a lot of stuff in a short amount of time. What it basically came down too was in his opinion there was no brain activity, and if Christian did wake up that he would never be the same Christian again. At that time, Katie and I still believed fully that Christian was going to wake up, recover, and be fine. He was the strongest person we knew. He was a fighter. He had been through so much in his life that surely this wasn't going to stop him. The doctor also said that the next twelve hours were important, and we would have a better idea of things then. He then let us know that we could go back and see him soon. We then met with all of the visitors to update them on the situation. Our friend Darci said a wonderful prayer, and then Katie and I went back to the room to be with Christian.
He looked pretty much the same as he did at the other hospital. Tubes everywhere, hooked up to so many machines. So hard to see my strong boy need a machine to do basic functions for him. Over the next several hours Katie and I would be back and forth from Christian's room to the waiting room. It was so nice to have the support that we had at the hospital, we could not have gotten through this without it. Everyone at the hospital was top notch too. They all were so friendly and nice to us. They wanted to make sure that we were as comfortable as we could be.
At around 2:30am I shared this post on Facebook. "We want to thank you all for the love, support, and prayers! Your kindness is overwhelming. Christian is fighting for his life. He is the strongest kid I know, so if anyone can pull it off it is him."
At about 3:00am the doctor came and talked to us again. Once again, he said a lot. Fluid in the lungs, no brain activity, who knows what else. He said that it was no matter a "if" he dies, but a "when" he dies. He said that we could either take him off of the machines or just wait it out. He also said that if his heart stopped beating that there was nothing else he could do, that he was already on the maximum doses of medicine to keep his heart beating that he could be on. This was a lot for us to take in. It felt like someone just punched me as hard as they could. My head was so cloudy. Not only had we had such a crazy day, but I was going on twenty four hours with no sleep. Katie and I asked the doctor to say everything again, but this time with her parents, sister, and brother in law in the room. We just wanted to make sure that we were hearing everything right.
The doctor left the room, and we had some discussion. We decided that we didn't want to take him off of the machines, because we were still holding out hope for a miracle. As they were talking a thought came into my head. Maybe he just needs to know it is ok to go. Ok to stop fighting. Ok to enter into heavenly rest. I told them that I just wanted to give him permission to stop fighting. So we all went back into the room and surrounded the bed. I leaned in and told him that he didn't have to fight anymore. That I was so proud of him and would miss him, but completely understood. Over the next half hour we held his hands and talked to him. I also was keeping an eye on the monitor that was showing his heart rate. It kept getting slower and slower. As it got closer to zero the doctor came in and started checking his vitals.
This is the next Facebook status that I shared. "At 4:18 this morning Christian went to be with Jesus. He was such an amazing son and we are all so lucky that we had the opportunity to know him. We will miss him like CRAZY! Thank you for all of you love and concern, it means a lot to us. Katie and I are exhausted, and going to try and get some sleep. Please feel free to send a message on facebook, but please no calls at this time. We love you all."
As I read those words, I still cannot believe that I had to write them. I still seems unreal daily. After we left the hospital we waited for my sister to bring the girls home. I couldn't believe that we had to tell them that their big brother, there protector had died. It was extremely difficult. I don't think that I will ever forget the kind of crying that I heard from them. It was heartbreaking, utter sadness.
We spent the rest that day trying to get rest and surrounded by family. There were so many tears, so many stories, and so much of not believing that this all was real. I so wished that it was a dream and that I would wake up soon. Unfortunately it wasn't, and over the next few days we would make visitation and funeral arrangements for our son. This was all so backwords, he was supposed to outlive us. He was supposed to live his dreams. How could this be happening to us.
So it is about five months since that dreadful day. I sill don't believe that it is real. I so wish that he was just at a soccer tournament and would be walking through the door any minute. I miss him, his smile, his voice, his laugh, his company, our car rides, our talks, our arguments, watching him play soccer, I miss it all. Life will never be the same without him. All we can do is try to get used to our new normal.
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